


Advice

by AnnetheCatDetective



Series: Give Me The News [8]
Category: St. Elsewhere
Genre: Discussion of sexual assault, Episode Related, Gen, Victor/Roberta discussed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 02:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17092595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnetheCatDetective/pseuds/AnnetheCatDetective
Summary: Victor hears some things he needs to.Also some things he really doesn't.





	Advice

    The lounge is the last place Victor really wants to be, but on call had been occupied, and he just needs to get off his feet, and maybe if he’s lucky…

 

    Oh, who is he kidding? He’s never lucky.

 

    It’s pretty full, but there’s room for him to slide in and scan the place for an open seat. He sees Jack over at the table, allowing the group to pass the baby around-- looks to be sleeping on Annie’s shoulder for the time being. White’s occupying the sofa, he laughs a little when Victor comes in, and he bristles, dropping into a chair at the table farthest from the couch, but aside from a few awkward and pitying looks, well… he’s not the hot topic.

 

    “I guess you’re the only guy here who’s not a suspect.” Wendy says, which is enough to tell him what the hot topic _is_ , and all things considered…

 

    He’d rather have his personal life maligned to his face, if it just meant this wouldn’t be a… a thing, he’d take his lumps if it was because there wasn’t a real serious _rape_ problem, a dangerous _here at work_ problem, but he doesn’t _where your_ wife _works_ really understand…

 

    “What do you mean I’m the only guy who’s not a suspect?”

 

    “ _Ehrlich_.” She rolls her eyes at him like he’s being a real dummy. “You weren’t here when the first attack happened. So you’re the only man who can really be ruled out.”

 

    “No-- I know I wasn’t here. I mean, and also I know I wouldn’t-- Anyway. I know that. But how can I be the _only_ person who’s ruled out? I mean-- you know there are other guys who couldn’t have done it!” He gestures to Wayne and Jack and Phil, at the table. “It’s not just about being out of town, there’s knowing people!”

 

    “Relax, Ehrlich.” White calls over from the couch. “No one would suspect you even if you had been here.”

 

    There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of Victor’s stomach, because he knows something is coming, something is always coming. White wouldn’t just be nice to him.

 

    “I mean,” White continues. “After what we’ve all heard about your honeymoon, you wouldn’t exactly be _effective_ at it, would you?”

 

    “Hey, now I don’t think that’s very funny!” He snaps, heat flooding his face-- not that anyone could tell, under the sunburn. It’s not about his reputation at this point, though it’s galling that the man would bring that up during a real serious _rape_ discussion, on something _a rapist_ real and _here where you’re supposed to be safe but_ serious! But… Victor’s _wife_ is at St. Eligius with him, and it doesn’t matter that he’s upset with her for broadcasting failures she didn’t tell him about in private _she could have said something the first time if she didn’t like it she could have asked him to do something differently, she never even said any of it bothered her, and what was wrong with telling his wife he was glad he was with her, for pity’s sake?_ it just matters that it’s not safe _was it ever? Victor, you remember the gun_ and they can’t be together all the time _the gun_ \-- they can’t seem to be together ten minutes at a time, now. And he tried to tell her _there’s a rapist_ maybe she should _not safe_ work anywhere else _The Gun_ but she wouldn’t hear it, and she wouldn’t hear anything else, either, he never even got to bring up it wasn’t _not safe_ safe. And surely the girls must have told her that first thing but… But she insists, and what’s he supposed to do, be a bear about it? Besides, he’s got student loans, he can’t support them both if she doesn’t do something and this is what she wants to do, he just wishes she’d work anywhere else until they catch this creepo.

 

    “It’s _not_.” Jack adds admonishingly. “C’mon, Peter. This is serious.”

 

    _Serious, it is serious, but Roberta has a ‘career’ now so she’s here with some lunatic running around accosting women in storage rooms and parking lots and what if what if and Roberta and what if, someone forcing her, hurting her, sick at the thought of it but she digs in deeper whenever you say something and you just fight but you’re worried, someone grabbing her, holding her down, not for fun like when she lets you asks you (Lets you? Asks you. Lets you?) asks, asks you and she’d talked about getting rid of her old things and stopping that crazy train so you never did get to do all the things she used to be into before you but that’s not a bad thing, is it, it’s bad enough to imagine something that might happen and not be able to picture in your mind’s eye, makes you sick to think about holding her down now when you’re already worried sick about someone else, the sweetest girl in the world, even when you’re mad at her, the best, sweetest girl and if anyone hurt her you..._

 

    “Anyway, knowing people doesn’t matter.” Annie shakes her head. “You can know a person, and like a person, and you’d never know, necessarily. You can even… I mean, you can be close to a person and not know what they’re capable of.”

 

    “Yeah, but I’m not talking about just people you know and like, I mean-- I mean aren’t there people you can just trust?”

 

    “Yeah, there are guys I know who _I_ trust.” Wendy says. “But not every woman in this hospital knows the same people equally well. And I don’t feel comfortable telling another woman who’s scared that she should trust someone just because I do, when she’s the one who feels like she’d be putting herself at risk.”

 

    “Yeah, but-- Well, look, we all know it’s not Victor. So what if we put him on late night car-walking duty?” Wayne suggests. _Having never once asked you, of course. Not that you wouldn’t if you could but it’s the principle of the thing._

 

    “Are you kidding? Look-- no offense, Victor, because if you offered, I’d appreciate it, and I know Jackie would-- but _none_ of the nurses want Victor Ehrlich walking them to their cars.”

 

    “But everyone knows Victor can’t have done it.” Wayne argues.

 

    “You can’t possibly think they’d rather walk out there at night alone than with someone they know is innocent.” Jack adds.

 

    White, from the couch, just snorts.

 

    “Knock it off.” Phil sighs.

 

    “Innocent of this, maybe, but--” Annie starts.

 

    _But they hate you enough they’d rather take your chances, no matter how hard you try, no, that’s fine, that’s just okay, you’re worse than a literal rapist, that’s, wow, that’s okay, how are you supposed to feel about that? How… how did no how is but…_

 

“It’s just the girls who don’t know you’re harmless.” Wendy cuts in. “When you snap at them and get in their faces, they just see a really big guy.”

 

    “And you could stand to be less of a pig.” Annie finishes.

 

    Victor feels like the air’s gone out of the room. Pig, and what’s that even mean? As far as he can tell, it just means he’s held to a separate standard, because it doesn’t seem to matter whether he’s being himself or trying to be someone else, it doesn’t seem to matter if he’s even doing anything at all, he didn’t do anything to deserve it when they drew on the back of his jacket, that wasn’t in response to anything! Maybe he can be thoughtless sometimes, sure, but half the time he’s only saying the same things all the other guys say, and they never get hit with the insults for it… Hell, the other guys do more than talk, sometimes, too, not like this, but just carrying on all kinds of affairs and stuff and still they get treated like stand up guys, and all he wants is just to be treated normal like the rest of them but no matter how hard he tries to play by the rules, he’s a _failure_ pig.

 

    “But I wouldn’t hurt anybody.” He protests, his voice barely coming out.

 

    “Yeah, well we know that.” Wendy shakes her head. “But you can be really hard on the new girls.”

 

    “Yeah, but everyone yells all the time in a hospital.” Wayne says.

 

    “In the ER, sure. When things go wrong.”

 

    “ _You_ can be really hard on the new girls.” He adds to Annie, arm going around Victor’s shoulders.

 

    “I can be really hard on the old ones, too. But it’s different. When it comes from me, or from Dr. Armstrong, it’s not the same, and they don’t feel the same about it.”

 

    “Well… yeah, but--”

 

    “What do _you_ guys do to avoid being raped?” She cuts him off, sharp.

 

    “Nothing.” Jack admits softly-- is the only one to say it, though Wayne and Phil both shift a little, half-guilty, with the realization. “I-- I never thought about it.”

 

    “Well-- I mean, I don’t date men, so going home with a guy isn’t an issue.” Victor nods. _You were supposed to stop wanting to when you got married, but then I guess you’re a pretty lousy husband…_

 

    “Ehrlich, you really are a real grade-A--”

 

    “You’d think it’d be enough to be six-four but I mean it seems like every time I work the ER, some guy’s hitting me or choking me, so I don’t know, but I mean sometimes I’m walking home at three AM between my stop and my apartment-- and I mean, obviously I’m more worried about being mugged than-- than-- than _assaulted_ \-- But I mean, but you know, it’s a lot of the same rules, to be prepared for-- for those two things? I know they say you’re supposed to, uh, to wet yourself, to make yourself less attractive, but I could never do that.” He frowns. “Oh! But I can vomit, when I get really nervous. Which I would be! So I guess I could do that.”

 

    “Wait, you’ve… _actually_ thought about that?” Wayne asks.

 

    “But you’re a guy.”

 

    “I mean… I guess?” He looks around at the others. Everyone’s staring, his skin crawls. Was that wrong? Is he not supposed to? Annie asked like not thinking about it was a sign they were all insensitive, and when Jack had said he never thought about it he seemed embarrassed and so did the other guys, but now he feels like he’s supposed to be embarrassed for thinking about it, so which one is right? “I mean, just because-- I mean, it’s just, you know, that it’s like being mugged--”

 

    “It’s _not_ like being mugged.” Annie says.

 

    “Oh! No, of course not! No, just-- I mean-- You know, you… you just do the same things or you, or you don’t, or-- I don’t mean they’re the same, honest, I’m not that insensitive!”

   

    “No, no, we know what you’re saying. You just worry about everything sometimes, and the precautions are the same. I mean, I never thought about how much… thought you have to put into this, being a woman and working nights.” Jack shrugs.

 

    “It doesn’t even have anything to do with working nights.” Wendy shakes her head. “It’s just life. Every woman I know from surgeon to housewife thinks about this.”

 

    “Every woman?” He looks stricken a moment. He glances over to White on the couch and then to Victor, and then back at Wendy and Annie, though he doesn’t check with Wayne and Phil about it, whatever it is. “What, every woman, all the time? Annie-- every woman you know, too? Or-- every woman you’ve ever…?”

 

    “It’s a fact of life for us. Yes.”

 

    He buries his face in his hands, shoulders heaving with a sigh before he lifts his head again, spreads his hands. “Then why don’t you tell us?”

 

    “Because men think you’re overreacting.” Annie says. Little Peter had slept through everyone arguing and snapping at each other, but he stirs now, fussy.

 

    “Being hysterical.” Wendy nods.

 

    “But that’s-- But if you don’t--” He gets up from his chair, pacing the floor a long moment and tugging at his hair. “I mean… every woman walks around thinking about this every day, and… and what? And never tells her husband about it or anything?”

 

    “What would you even do if they did tell us? What are we supposed to do, beyond what we’re trying to do now?” Wayne asks, taking the baby from Annie to bounce on his knees..

 

    “Maybe I wouldn’t do anything, but I’d know! But I’d have listened! Married couples are supposed to be able to talk about this kind of thing, about what they’re afraid of!”

   

    “I guess they don’t always.” Victor shrugs. “But I guess I know what you mean.”

 

    “I just… it never occurred to me. That there might have been things Nina worried about that she wouldn’t tell me.”

 

     “I mean if anything, I wish Roberta seemed more worried about this… I mean I told her maybe she didn’t have to come into work right now, or that she could look for somewhere else, and you’d have thought _I_ was being unreasonable”

 

    “Yeah, well, based on what she said, Ehrlich, _your_ wife--”

 

    “Don’t you talk about my wife!” He snaps, shooting up to his feet.

 

    “ _Jeez_ , Peter.” Jack shakes his head.

 

    “Way over the line, man.” Phil adds.

 

    “Okay, okay.” Peter rises slowly, offering Victor a handshake he can’t bring himself to trust. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be such a jerk to you. We’re in the same boat nowadays, huh?”

 

    “We’re _not_ in the same boat.” Victor folds his arms in around himself, his hands tucked away from the danger of having a conciliatory shake thrust upon him.

 

    “Ah, sure. Getting in hot water with the wife-- maybe not for the same reasons. _Definitely_ not for the same reasons, But it’s the same boat.”

 

    “Yeah, well, the difference is, my boat’s carrying a competent doctor in it and yours? Not so much, pal.”

 

    “Hey, come on, you guys.” Jack says, soft and hesitant and just a little too late to do anybody any good.

 

    “I was sent up on charges that were blown way out of proportion!”

 

    “And I would have defended you, gladly, if they asked me, but that’s not what I’m talking about! I’m talking about how you got real sloppy when you first started having problems, and I’m not sloppy! And I’ve had to clean up your messes in the ER when you were, me and everyone else!”

 

    “Well when you do get sloppy, I guess I’ll be cleaning up after your messes, now that I’m stuck down in pathology.”

 

    Victor storms out. The only other option would have been to punch White in the face, for daring to mention Roberta _in danger, right now_ like that, for daring to suggest anything _because Rizzo wasn’t your fault_ about them is the same… And it might be immensely personally satisfying, but the hand has so many tiny bones and the skull is so _hard_ , and Craig would _really_ kill him if he broke a proximal phalanx doing something so _stupid_! Well pathology is where White belongs, where the patients are all already dead! But it was mean enough what he already said, maybe, it would cross a line to say that, and Jack would be upset with Victor instead of with White, _always your fault when these things happen, huh? That’s what everyone always thinks, that’s how they always act_ and he doesn’t want to make any enemies out of friends now _but you used to think you could just ask Jack for advice about this stuff and it turns out your problems are a lot worse than anything normal, than whatever normal guys deal with_.

 

    The door opens, after a few minutes of pacing around just trying to _breathe_ , and Jack joins him in the hallway, carrying baby Peter in one arm and a cup of coffee in his other hand.

 

    “Hey, here.” He offers, holding the coffee out. “He’s having a hard time, he doesn’t mean it…”

 

    “He always means it with me.” Victor accepts the coffee, but he doesn’t really taste it, only registers how hot it is when he takes a sip. He doesn’t expect Jack to believe him. Nobody ever does, even Wayne doesn’t really believe him, and Phil does but he thinks he should keep his head down and wait it out only even with all this White’s still around _still awful_. And White’s Jack’s friend, after all… somehow. _He’d like him more than you no matter what, you might as well get used to it, it’s nothing new_.

 

    “You’re just--”

 

    “Too sensitive?”

 

    He has the good grace to hang his head. “No. Not that, just… Can you _try_ , Victor?”

 

    “I did try. I invited him to our _wedding_ , and here he is, talking about her like-- like this is all some joke!”

 

    “Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that. This whole thing’s just… He’s doing his best. I’m sorry his best’s not better with you. Hey… I’m sorry we missed the wedding.” He nods towards Peter on the ‘we’, and that makes Victor smile, if not for long. “Heard it was the event of the century.”

 

    “Well… it was something, I guess.”

 

    “Look… Victor, you wanna know something? Nobody gets it right their first week.”

 

    The shame roils in his gut at that, and he can’t manage another sip of coffee. It was too much to hope Jack might not have heard… well, _everything_. By now, anyone who didn’t hear it firsthand has heard it secondhand. It’s not as bad as the thought of Dr. Craig hearing about it, he’d die if he had to acknowledge the fact that Dr. Craig has definitely heard about it by now, he’s only getting through his day by telling himself Dr. Craig doesn’t care about gossip. But it’s pretty bad. And it’s just like-- well-- like Wayne’s the kind of friend where… well, he’s just the kind of guy who…

 

    It’s different for these things to come up with Wayne, who’s crude about a lot and doesn’t care about that stuff but cares about people, or even with Phil who just ignores anything really personal because he doesn’t like to mix up personal and professional so much even when he is friendly, when he is one of the only people who’s ever believed some of the things Victor knows about how the rules are different for him, he still doesn’t like to get into personal stuff and times like this that’s a blessing.

 

    But Jack _lost his wife what if something happens to your wife next no place on earth is safe_ is different, he’s not… he doesn’t laugh at the crude stuff and he always seemed like he and Nina had it together _so easy to lose everything, if it could happen to him it could happen to you_ , and Victor just wants to be seen as competent but no one ever takes him seriously, he knows no one takes him seriously, and every time he thinks maybe things will be different, something _Rizzo_ happens to mess it all up.

 

    “What if it’s me?”

 

    “Just talk to her. Nothing’s as bad as it sounds when you get the chance to vent about it to your friends, you know? Talk to her about it. You’ll be okay, you guys are just new at this.”

 

    “You think?”

 

    “Yeah.”

 

    “You think I’m worrying too much about nothing?” Victor asks, eyes wide and worried. He’d worried too much about nothing a lot so far, or… maybe just about all the wrong things, he spent their honeymoon worrying about all the wrong things _but the bed thing is just so hard to live with can’t stand the idea of lying the wrong way around can’t cuddle if her feet are in your face and you’re no expert and Jack knows what he’s talking about but still how can she complain about you rolling over and falling asleep when she wants to be the wrong way around and so it’s not like you can hold her then either and she could hold you only she doesn’t, why’s it always supposed to be your job to reach for her no matter how hard she makes it?_

 

    “Well… It’s not nothing, no, but… I think you’re a good guy, Victor, and I think she’s a sweet girl, and I think you both just have to adjust, and it takes time. Takes a lot of work.”

 

    “She is, really, and I mean… and we’ve… we’ve just been short with each other since we got back, I guess. I mean there’s a lot to worry about.” He looks down into his coffee, still can’t stand the idea of drinking it just now. “Sorry, I shouldn’t make you give me marriage advice.”

 

    “You’re not making me. It’s fine.”

 

    “No, it’s… it’s insensitive of me to ask, it’s just-- you always seem… good at it.”

   

    “C’mon back in and sit down for a minute, okay?”

 

    “I mean-- I think you’re a good guy, too. Um-- or-- Thanks.”

 

    Jack smiles at him, and nods, kind of jerks his head towards the door, and so Victor heads back in, and White’s lying down on the couch with his back to the room now, which makes it a little easier to sit down at the table again. He sets his coffee down, pushing it back a little, staring at it, stomach too small and sour but he thinks he ought to drink it because Jack brought it out to him and he did that to try and make things better, he did that because Victor was upset and because even if he apologized for White he couldn’t really… Victor doesn’t know, couldn’t really make up for something that had nothing to do with him, he guesses.

 

    “You wanna hold him?”

 

    Victor looks up, stunned. “The baby?”

 

    “No, Fiscus. Yeah, the baby.” Jack laughs softly, in the least mean way Victor thinks anyone has ever laughed at him. _With him? That’s new, what do you do with that, that’s different. Good. Nice._ And he does want _a baby_ to hold the baby.

 

    He nods, uncertain. He’s never actually held a baby, but how hard could that be? He’s a surgeon, he’s held a lot of things you can’t drop, all of which are smaller and easier to lose hold of than a baby, he’d think. Jack hands little Peter off, and Peter’s got a hand stuffed in his mouth and he looks up into Victor’s eyes and makes a wet, muffled little noise that Victor can only hope is a happy noise.

 

    “Hi, there, champ. Aw, look at you…” He coos. “You’re getting big, huh? Look at you…”

 

    “You better fix things with Roberta before you start asking her to pop out a few kids.” Wayne teases gently. “I see that look in your eyes.”

 

    “What, me? I mean-- We’re not ready for that-- But you think?”

 

    “Talking to a baby’s the happiest you’ve looked since you got back.” He shrugs.

 

    “Well… can you blame me?” Victor asks, but he looks up to Jack. “Does a kid… does that fix things?”

 

    “Are you kidding? Gives you a whole new set of problems to work out. But… when you’re ready to tackle ‘em, it’s worth it.” He reaches down to stroke the top of his son’s head, but not to take him back yet. “Fiscus is right, start with working out the things you guys have now. And then… when you’re ready for this, you’ll do great.”

 

    “See? Fiscus is right.” Wayne nods.

 

    Peter takes his hand out of his mouth to add something to the conversation, though it’s nothing that really scans to any particular words Victor can think of, isn’t an apparent request to be fed or changed or returned to his daddy. Wipes a handful of saliva down Victor’s shirt, too, but considering the kinds of things he’s used to getting covered in…

 

    “Sorry, Fiscus, I’m taking all my advice from the baby now.”


End file.
